Yesterday I realised that all the things we do are to reassure ourselves that we're okay.
We spend our lives trying to fit in, impress others and meet this unacheivable standard for ourselves.
Have you ever woken up and set an intention to be kind to yourself? I've never turned off an alarm, sat in bed and thought you are a good person.
I'll think about how much weight I've gained, how I'm running out of money and how I want to go back to sleep.
No one ever said I was here to be oh so special. Infact now that I think about it, I never had a conversation with anyone about why I was here.
I went to primary school, then high school and finally university. I worked in various places, got fired from jobs and moved cities.
I never sat down with anyone and talked about why I was doing all those things. Did you?
I suppose you go to school so one day you can be a contributing part of society. I don't find that an inspiring answer.
I think about my friend who gave birth recently and think if I had a baby right now, I wouldn't have the time to think about these philosophical ideas.
I wouldn't be questioning why my grandparents never sat down with my parents to talk about the possibilities of life.
My Mum boarded a flight from Delhi to Heathrow as a teenager who spoke no English and she had me by 20. She worked in a hospital cafeteria during the day and a factory at night. My parents couldn't afford a babysitter so she would take me with her to the hospital and her boss would let me sit at his workstation. Writing this makes me cry, I'm not even sure why. I think it's because she worked so hard to provide for her new family.
She never had the opportunity to write a blog, obsess over fashion or sit on a sofa on a Tuesday afternoon and ponder what it means to be included.
Her hard work allowed me this privilege and it created time. She created the time for me to sip on a homebrewed Yorkshire tea one sunny day in 2018. She never had grandeous ideas of life because respecting your elders was their mantra.
I have so much choice and what's funny about that is, I wish I didn't. I'm spoilt - I can say that as a matter-of-fact.
Not only do I want what I don't have but I feel restless with all the things I do have.
I notice how often all my sentences start with I.
On that note, I just remembered why I started todays blog.
I came to the conclusion that Ranj and I are great neighbours. I was walking up the stairs to put a load of washing away when I thought. We're not noisy, smelly and most days you wouldn't even know we're here. We're great neighbours I reclaimed as I lifted a chip to rest on my shoulder.
After a brief congratulations, I thought, and now? When do we receive our honorary prize for being good neighbours. And just like that, I realised no one was coming round with freshly baked cookies or a trophy engraved with our names on it.
We are here to live the most spectacular life we can in union with all things.
You are perfect just the way you are because you were sent by God and no one else's approval could beat that.
All you have to do is understand you're here and you're doing okay. If you don't have the time to just be, you might miss it all.
You might miss the most spectacular thing of all, your own grace.