I've found my Guru on the internet everyone and he's forcing me to think about things I'd rather not uncover.
Remember when I first moved to Birmingham I told you on Instagram that I wanted to become a minimalist. Well that was just the first step to recovery for me. The things we buy in exchange for money should be purchased with a purpose. Turns out we accumulate most things to hide from our feelings and fears. Once we've got rid of those barriers guess what's left, just you.
Ranj has cropped up a few times in recent posts, it's because I spend most of time with him and he see's the worst sides of me. When we started dating, we had a shared vision for our future, one of far less. We discussed living in a shipping container, sleeping on a Japanese futon and owning just enough cutlery for two. When we moved in he didn't really bring much with him. In a blue Jasper Conran travel bag he had a jumper, four long sleeve crew neck tops, three t-shirts, three jeans, two lace-up shoes, a pair of trainers, a set of flip flops, some underwear, four pairs of socks, an electric tooth brush, trimmer, tweezers and man-perfume.
It took me ten minutes to unpack his bag and two days to unpack my heeped boxes, baskets and suitcases. I know guys don't need as much stuff as girls to look pretty but he keeps things simple. He doesn't want much, expect much or ask for much.
I on the other hand expect alot from life, if I'm not preparing for the worst then I'm looking up for flying unicorns. As soon as one to-do is ticked off my list, I'm grappling towards the next thing to keep me busy. That's exactly what possessions do, they keep you busy from the truth.
I'm writing this from my family home today after a day spent cleaning. I cleaned upstairs whilst my sister tackled the living room and kitchen. It took me four hours to clean two bathrooms. By the end of it all I was angry and irritated that they had let the mess accumulate to this state. The mess I'm talking about isn't just dirt it's the mountains of everything and anything a bathroom might contain.
They've got seven bottles of oil in there, all from different seeds or sources. Each a different size, used to a different degree and most looking past there sell-by-date.
That doesn't even begin to describe the clutter they've collected over their lifetime. As I washed my Mum's make-up brushes I noticed the layers of foundation streaming down the drain. I thought to myself, Mum always made cleaning seem like this arduous punishment which no one should endure.
I watched her huff and puff every Friday night as she slammed the hoover one staircase step at a time. It isn't surprising I now do the same when I'm cleaning the loo in Birmingham, I make it so dramatic, screaming and shouting every Sunday morning.
There is an alternative way of living though which is making me ask certain questions. If my parents owned less it would be easier to maintain the house. I know Indians never throw anything away because upon a time they didn't have much money. What did they have was family, community and time. Somewhere between Punjab and London did we trade that all for brick-a-brac?
Everyone wants to blame their parents for what went wrong and who they are today. I did too until I learnt the magic of taking responsibility, now I take full responsibility for all my actions. As luck has it my parents worked hard and I got to go to school, learnt to read and became curious. That curiosity for life is what Ranj finds attractive in me I bet.
Nothing I own gives me pleasure the way I had hoped. It's said that your life is as good as the quality of your breadth. Take a long deep breath in and a slow deep breath out. Do it long and deep enough and you'll feel it change you.
It will change you in a way this blog can't. If you're wondering why that is, it's because you're expecting me to give you something you already have. The truth is I'm irrelevant and just apart of your imagination. The only truth is your breathe. Each breathe is your life in existence, that sounds about whisy-washy but that's all you need to understand. To realise your life is a series of breaths and the more time you spend on what's inside the less you'll need from outside.
I love that you come here to hear me read to you.
In that same spirit I thought I'd share a book called 'Goodbye, things' by Fumio Sasaki, £7.76, which means something to me. I hope it brings you closer to yourself.